June 30, 2012- Day 25

The fact that I have been here for 25 days and that July is already over is blowing my mind.  Even the beginning of July came so fast.  I can’t believe summer is over and that I’ve already worked for a month, gone to Africa for a month, and am about to come back home.  As I was working on my Capstone Presentation yesterday, I realized that there are a few things that I wish I had gotten out of this experience that I didn’t.  I wish I had been more involved, felt like I was really doing an internship rather than just working on the farm all day.  I was under the impression originally that the work we were doing would also involve doing research and writing proposals for funds to increase the sustainability of the project.  However, I did get the cultural immersion that I was looking forward to.  I did get to learn about many aspects of the culture, and live within it, having to do many of the things that are a part of their culture.  That is one cool part about working on the farm, is that I had to do real work, not just feel like a volunteer.  Many volunteers noted that they did not feel even as involved at their projects as I did.

My anxiety levels are rising.  I feel anxious and restless to come home.  I feel as if I am dreading this week and that it is dragging out.  I can’t get it out of my head, last night, even while dreaming, and this morning.  I can’t just enjoy myself the way I was.  It’s difficult to be aware of your emotions and realize that there are different points in time when your emotional levels will be higher and more overwhelming than at other times.  I think this is one of those times, and having nothing to do with circumstance I just feel anxious. And of course the mind must find something to attribute it to.  The book I am reading talks all about not allowing these emotions to rule your life, but that when they arise you have to be aware that they are there and watch them and let them go, making the decision to live in the present.  Emotions are very strong though.  I feel like I’m wrestling with myself in my mind, me trying to fight with myself to calm that self.  I haven’t even gone to work today yet and this is how I have felt all morning while trying to yoga and eat breakfast and just relax.  Despite emotions, after today is over, the week will go by quickly because tomorrow is dinner with ProWorld, Wednesday is my presentation which means I don’t work, and then Thursday is a party at work for my departure.  That leaves Friday and Saturday to enjoy myself and then I will be on my way home.  

Today I came downstairs at the time I leave every morning: 8 am.  Then Mama Teiko handed me my Moringa tea.  So I sat and drank it and felt no anxiety about having to rush anywhere.  I just sat and drank because that was what I was doing at the time and I would go to work later.  Then I had to wait while she made my lunch which was white rice with an egg, tomato, and onion sauce.  I took a taxi to the junction that I usually walk to in order to save time because I was 45 minutes late.  At the junction, I asked for a car to Dwenasi.  Today is my first day without Drew.  He is more forceful and it is just easier to not have to worry about things.  Today I felt stressed because there was no taxi yet.  So I sat.  And kept sitting for about 45 more minutes.  I kept getting up and asking but there was no car.  And I kept telling them that there is always a car.  Finally there was a car that would bring me half way.  When we got to the next taxi junction and he dropped me off, I went to pay him 50 pesawas but he demanded that I pay him 1 cedi (double the price).  I told him it was always 50.  He said no, so I gave him 1 cedi.  Then I took a taxi to Dwenasi from there.  Cynthia told me I had been cheated because it was 50 pesawas.  I felt like crying because I felt defeated.  I’ve had experiences like this many times but always stood up for myself and didn’t feel defeated.  But today I just felt like things were too difficult.  This is definitely the time in my life when I have PMS, just to keep things clear.  So I got to work at 10.45 instead of 9 am.  We sat and watched Aya do laundry.  Then her baby Monica pooped everywhere, in her underwear, down her leg, on the ground.  They just picked her up and put her on a little bucket and washed her clothes.  I thought that even in places without diapers, they would have cloth diapers.  But they don’t here at this house anyway.  When we finally worked, we went into the field and dug up more beds.  It started raining so we took a break.  When we went back to dig up beds,  I was having such a hard time.  I am not strong at all and couldn’t dig more than one or two beds, but the man working with us dug maybe 8 beds and laughed at me for being so tired.  My hands were very red and my legs and arms were aching.   We sat and rested and then when it was time to leave, Aya came with a little cast-iron fire pit.  She then roasted corn on top of a screen over the fire.  I helped her shuck the corn and turned the corn for her so it wouldn’t burn.  It tasted so good.  It was a mix between corn on the cob and popcorn.  I love this stuff about work.  I love when were are sitting around cooking and eating and I get to see more of the culture.  Aya’s older children came home and they were all just playing around, laughing at Monica for falling down, things any family would do.  It was great.  

Due to the fact that I was ripped off earlier, I had to borrow money from Kofi in order to get home that evening.  

The other day my sister tried to give me some movies to watch.  She had a few random discs.  Some horror movie about a girl who is killed and comes back to get everyone who murdered her.  Other things, all of which she described as being such a beautiful movie.  I wish they had worked on my laptop.  They all looked so lame and awesome.  She even gave me a Barbie movie! I got to go into her room and saw that she is a normal girl.  It made me sad for her.  She’s at least 24.  She works so hard and just spends time with her mom but she likes to get dressed up and look pretty and has a bunch of Fructis Garnier hair products and Biore face wipes.  She has a lot of things that she probably saved a lot of money to have.  Kind of like me, how there is no way my parents could have bought me all of the random clothes I have but I liked them so I made it happen.  I have more clothes than all of my friends.  I get caught up in thinking this is a third world country so people are worried about surviving.  But they’re still people.  She wants to have fun and be happy and go out and dress up.  I’ve seen her when she puts a pretty dress on.  She’s beautiful.  She told me she used to go out with volunteers that lived with them and they had so much fun.  But now she is so busy selling her tilapia.  She works all day preparing the sauces, gutting the fish and then works all night cooking and selling.  She has no time to have fun and no time to save money to get a job that would give her better money.  Tonight she asked me to escort her to the atm down the street so we took a cab there.  It was nice.  I feel like we are becoming friends now.  She wants me to stay in touch when I leave which is really cool.  

I don’t know if I have mentioned the fact that taxis have sticker words placed on the back car window.  They all say different things, usually in reference to Jesus or God like most things in Ghana.  But today I saw some that felt like a sign meant just for me.  The first one I took notice of said “Be Silent.”  Then later in the day I saw one that said “Awake.”  Finally I saw a bumper sticker that said “Good energy is coming your way.”  All of these really made me think.  Quiet your mind Rachel.  Wake up and just enjoy life rather than thinking about unhappiness, restlessness, etc.  You have nothing to worry about.  Good energy is coming.  These are all of things that I have been reading about this past month and thinking about.  And the one day I really feel like I can’t take it, here are these signs, telling me to just be.  These journals are not just about my adventures in Africa but about personal growth as I leave everything behind and journey to a foreign country.  Everything in my life is like this.  There is always an opportunity for inspiration and development.  I think I am doing one thing, but somehow I am always learning personal life lessons that will add to who I am as a person.  I guess this is just every day of life.  You think you are just doing something, going to class, talking to people, etc, but in reality life is one big learning experience after another.  Every person you interact with has something to teach you.  Every action you take, every positive or negative outcome, will show you something about yourself or show you how to change yourself.  This is why I am excited to be alive.  Even when your entire day was terrible,  negativity and positivity don’t exist.  The only thing that matters is what you learn from that experience.  There is gain even in struggle and suffering.  In fact, in times of trial and difficulties, that is when you learn the most.  That is when your life is the most enriched because it gives you the opportunity to dig deeper into who you are, way inside of yourself.

Cultural Facts: 
-When people are eating, it is socially polite for them to say “You are invited” in order to tell you that you can also eat with them. They don’t necessarily want you to eat with them, they just have to say it, they have to offer or else they will be being rude.  
-When you are with someone and they say “I am coming” what they mean is that they will be right back.  It’s really silly to me every time they say it.  At first I didn’t understand what was going on but now I get it and wait for them to come back.

-Today Cynthia told me that in Ghana if you have a dream about a relative dying, that means that they will live a long life.  There you go Thomas.  You will live forever, I promise.  

-Women breastfeed openly everywhere.  I am not sure if this is the way it is with every woman, but Aya lets Monica basically own her breasts.  She will pull them out for Monica and then Monica will nurse while standing or doing anything.  She pulls, tugs, and turns her breasts every way that she wants.  It looks painful and looks like it is one of the causes of Aya’s breasts sagging so much.  It is not a gentle loving thing the way I would see a mother breastfeeding in America.  When I see Monica nursing it is more like she is eating Aya rather than Aya feeding her.